Troy (soft-core porn anyone?)

Title:
Troy (B)
Actors:
Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, Diane Kruger, Peter O’Toole, Brian Cox
Writer/Director:
David Benioff / Wolfgang Petersen,

Set 3000 years ago, when the men wear skirts, women wear corsets and the people die under one person’s command. Helen (Diane Kruger), the woman married to Menalaus (Brendan Gleeson), the king of Sparta who after three nights of quickies with Paris (Orlando Bloom), the prince of Troy, absconds with him. Agamemnon (Brian Cox), brother of Menalaus, took the chance to finally preside over the great walled Troy and sailed to the land of unconquered. With them is the greatest Greek warrior Achilles (Brad Pitt), famished for blood, he led them to their first victory. Patroclus (Garrett Hedlund), Achilles’ cousin was killed by Hector (Eric Bana), prince of Troy, which led to his return to battle. Achilles kills Hector and wreak havoc on the city using the ever-famous wooden Real Top. Legolas, I mean Paris, “regains” his honor by shooting arrows to the enemies behind the walls and killing Achilles. The movie ends and I’m hungry…
Where shall I start, oh yes, of course, the horse, the star of the movie, it gave a brilliant performance. It was very convincing.
On a serious note, this movie is nothing more than a soft-core porn technological crap.
I have wanted to see this movie for months, and after seeing it, I felt nothing but utter discontent. The first 5 minutes of the movie I was squirming for the director in the way he handled the movie. It was like watching a Hallmark Special. The cameras were not shrewdly used: the cinematography was average and the close-ups were droll. The score felt nothing but a solo ahhhhh… ahhhhh…. Which brings me back to it’s being a soft-core porn. First, we met Achilles naked with two women in his bed, and then we saw Paris and Helena talk dirty, then Kruger show her ass and Paris his medium-built body. Then, we saw Pitt took off his skirt and show more flesh, then Bana does the same (it’s a tight competition), then Pitt does it again, sorry guys, no more Kruger. (I didn’t pay much attention, as you can notice). The point is, well yah their Greeks, they love running around naked, but I think the only purpose it served is to make the movie more interesting to see cuz there’s nothing more to see. The story is a classic, you can’t argue with that it’s an epic for Pete’s sake (who’s Pete anyway?) but it didn’t felt like it, in fact you feel nothing from the movie except libido (which is nice but I’m looking for more). You won’t even feel awe in what you’re seeing cuz it’s an epic made by technology, it felt like you’re watching a video game.
If there’s one thing commendable in this movie, it’s Bana, who for the very first time I highly appreciated in his acting. This is his movie. He may not have the perfect physique like Pitt but who cares about that. This is his movie. He gave the movie all the things it needed: emotion, struggle, conflict and great acting feat. I never liked him as an actor, especially in the worst comic-based movie ever made (it’s a four-letter word). I may have appreciated him in Black Hawk Down but in this movie I was flabbergasted.
For me to say that Pitt gave a mediocre performance will be the biggest accolade he’ll get. Don’t be mad at me Pittniacs, I’m just telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him GOD!!! Give him my talent and give his looks to me, that’ll be fair. Just to be objective, the scene where he was crying at Hector’s corpse, he did not shed a single tear! He looked like Bonjing who had his lollipop stolen. It’s a hideous sight. Don’t’ get me wrong, I’m a Pitt fan, I sincerely think he’s one of the most underrated actors around but he was a failure in this movie.
Is it worth the watch? If seeing larger than life soft-core porn is your agenda, it’s a must-see but if you’re expecting to see a movie of substance, just hit Homer’s books and read the Iliad, it’ll be more worth it.