Catwoman: the worst comic-book based movie ever made....

Title:
Catwoman (C+)
PH Release Date:
July 28, 2004
Actors:
Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy, Lambert Wilson
Director:
Pitof
Story & Screenplay:
Based on DC Comics by Bob Kane; Screen Story by Theresa Rebeck, John Brancato and Michael Ferns; Screenplay by John Brancato, Michael Ferns and Jon Roges
Editor / Music:
Sylvie Landra / Klaus Badelt
Design / Photography:
Bill Brzeski / Therryar Bogast
Producer:
Densedi Novi and Edward L. McDonnell
Studio:
20th Century Fox

“The day that I wrote this, was the day that I started reading it” – Halle Dewberry

The fiery Halle “marry me” Berry is back in the big screen and this time she’s taking the role of Patience Philips a.k.a. Catwoman (meow!!!). She died when she found out her company’s secret, brought to life by Midnight (that’s the name of the cat), fell for a detective who’s up to stop her alter ego from “disturbing” the city. She faced the marble-faced Sharon STONE (how uncanny), and of course, she won against her. The projector stopped, then I realized that I just saw possibly the worst comic book based movie ever made (deposed the Hulk).

I swear to your God that I didn’t plan to see this movie right after I found out that it only took $16 M at the US box office on it’s opening weekend leaving it at no. 3 behind I, robot and the $56M grossing Bourne movie (which I want to see pretty badly). However, I didn’t have any choice since the only movies released this week were this one, an Anne Hathaway “Hallmark” movie and an “Ace of Base” movie (think!!!!). So I didn’t have any choice, and besides, I wanted to see Berry on leather. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that, except the entire movie was if yah know what I mean).

The first 5 minutes of the movie was good, the voice over was kinda comical but you’d barely remember that (except I did), then, the director showed off some really good camera exhibitions to which I was astonished during the beginning but then the movie went on and man, did it became arduous to digest. I was confused, I don’t know whether I was watching a music video (the basketball scene with Scandalous as background and so on and so fort), a full movie trailer or an episode of Smallville cuz it’s nothing more than a mind-numbing introduction to a not so interesting character to start with (Superman is interesting though).

I didn’t have high hopes that it will be as good as Spiderman but at least for it to be faithful to the comic book (as if I’ve read it), or be close to it. I thought the story was embellished in many ways. Although I like the metaphor of actions in this movie, when Patience cut her hair after she accepted her new life (that is so not a girl thing) that was wise use of symbolism, however, besides that the movie was consistently wooly from start to finish. Details are very important to attain satisfactory storytelling but I doubt it whether they even thought about it. I guess it’s really tough to do a decent storytelling if the story isn’t worth telling.

The director of this movie must have been an amateur with film making cuz it was so stylized that the essence of the movie was left off. It was pure style no substance, it was pleasing to the eyes in the beginning but it horribly sucked in the end.

Halle Berry did okay in this one, despite being tamed in such a bad material, she managed to pull it off just fine. But I doubt whether Tom Lone (Bratt) did the same, I never liked him as an actor (how could he dump Julia), and I highly doubt it that I ever will. He’s completely not the leading man material and he’s so tedious to watch. Frances Conroy was exactly like her character in Six Feet Under, from top to bottom. And of course, Sharon Stone who I think is still stunningly young-looking for her age, (maybe that’s why she’s too stupid when it comes to taking roles) was as bland as her hair color.

Bad Direction, bad writing, bad sound, and mediocre acting, not so much to rave for, but if you like Halle go see this movie, just don’t anticipate a new soon-to-franchise type of flick, for if cats leave mark with their paws, this one didn’t left any.

imelda and the 3000 shoes

Title:
Imelda (A-)
PH Release Date:
July 21, 2004
Featuring:
Imelda Marcos
Director:
Ramona S. Diaz
Editor / Music:
Ldy Marino / Grace Nono and Bob Ares
Photography:
Ferne Pearlstein
Producer:
Cine Diaz, Soros Documentary Foundation
Studio:
Unitel Pictures

“Thank God when they opened this mail, they found this review, not class A shoes from Greenhills – Y meldo

The first time I read that skeleton thing, I thought that was something Melanie Marquez will say, but then again, it’s funny yet it’s smart, so it’s highly unlikely. I would have to admit that I am a pro- martial law type of guy, most of the members of my family are (that includes our dog). So, that may affect quite a bit my writing, but I though of that right before I watched the film and when I went out, it was a totally different story.

Imelda Marcos is probably one of the most celebrated or rather infamous characters of the past 50 years. She was the wife of Ferdinand Marcos, became the governor of the Philippines during the martial law, owns 3000 pairs of shoes (half of which was stolen by tweety--- the yellow birdie), dresses extravagantly, considered as one of the propitiators of the assassination of Ninoy Aquino and of course, the gigantic hairstyle (which up to now I don’t know how she does).

This movie is all about her. You’ll see how pretty she was when she was younger, how nifty she was, and how smart she seem to appear. But in the beginning of the second half of that may start to change a little, especially when she starts sharing her asinine philosophies, which totally caught me off guard (an upside down heart, and an upright down heart equals? two hearts intertwined?)

This movie won the Excellence in Cinematography award from the Sundance Film Festival (Redford Film Feast), which I agree with (not because I saw the other entries). The visuals was superb, they handled the camera very well, it was usual yet very unconventional (if yah know what I mean). The clips they showed too, were so good, you would love every single part of it. How I wish though that they showed the interviewer during the duration of the film cuz it will be more convincing for me, not that it was not.

I won’t spoil it for you furthermore (isn’t it obvious that I’m in a hurry), what can I add though is that if you were born 30 years or so ago, you may have an idea of all the stuff conferred to in this film, but for someone as young as me (I’m 14 going on 40) you maybe startled by all the stuff you’ll see or at the very least be bewildered by it.

Overall it was a film to enjoy, a miserable part of an icon is never a boring topic. You’ll learn how too much power can make the person crazy (or how much shoes can fit into a person’s closet) and most of all how lost of power can turn you much crazier. At the end of the movie you may realize, that there is truly an Imelda in all of us (or not).

I-Robot (3 laws unsafe)

Title:
I, Robot (A-)
PH Release Date:
July 21, 2004
Actors:
Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan, Bruce Ground, James Cromwell, Chi Mcbride
Director:
Alex Proyas
Screenplay:
Suggested by: Isaac Asimov’s book; Screen Story by Jeff Vintar and Screenplay by Jeff Vintar and Akiva Goldsman
Editor / Music:
Richard Learoyd, Ammen Minasian and William Hoy / Maseo Beltrami
Design / Photography:
Patrick Tatopoulos / Simon Duggan
Producer:
Lawrence Mark and John Davis
Studio:
20th Century Fox

“Laws are made to be broken, and my writings are meant to be read, so better continue reading--- it’s 3 laws safe!”

An estimated 50 million take at the box office insinuate that this movie must be good and worth the watch, not to mention that it overthrew Spidey from his throne!!!

One of the Men in Black is back in the big screen, and once again he plays a cop (oh, sorry detective, that’s the same s***!!) but this time he’s not in Miami going after drug traffickers, he’s after the robots set to dominate the human race.

Set in 2035, when cars are no longer run by gasoline, a Chuck Taylor is a vintage shoes and there are no longer OFW’s in the US cuz the robots now do their work. This movie takes us to the time when we are much lazier than we’ve ever been and so much sophisticated (how I wish).

When the opening credits started I was in awe, cuz it was very appealing. Then, the next thing you see, Will Smith in his boxers and later on him without any (if you have the resources use it, 9 out of 10 girls would love to see that). We are the introduced to his character (I’m sorry I forgot his name… ah… was it Jack, give me a normal name, it starts with a Detective), even if you don’t know Psychology, you’ll instantly know that he got serious issues and prone to intense paranoia drawn from the harrowing experiences that he may have acquired during his childhood or within the last few years (is it shrinky enough? And how do you feel about that?) of his miserable life (thank you Dr. Phil!!!).

Then we met the not-so-beautiful doctor (I don’t find her pretty, she looks old--- like a normal scientist, that’s so new). Then comes Sunny (I did remember the robot’s name, how uncanny), the unique one, 3 laws unsafe. And then all goes wrong with the robots, and man, Will Smith got suspended (so atypical!!!!!) but he’s got something, so he continues to investigate and of course it led to the very unpredictable revelation of the villain and the highly climactic ending.

This was a very engaging movie, technically speaking it was very well made, the effects were great, the sound was terrific, the editing was good, the direction was brilliant, the acting was passable but it’s only setback, is it’s story, it was well-organized, well thought of, but it was so ordinary, so usual for a sci-fi flick. I didn’t see anything new-fangled.

You meet the good guy, then his leading lady, and then a bad guy turned out to be a good guy, then, the real bad guy isn’t really the real bad guy then finally you meet the real bad guy and destroyed her right before she gets the chance to almost kill you. And during that entire time, the lead actor never lost his sense of humor. They were very fortunate that the visuals were so good that it will kept you engaged because if not, it will definitely test your staying power. However, one thing laudable is the fact that it didn’t fail to remember the audience. It explained everything clearly and there are no scientific terms to brood over. I highly appreciated that, and I think most of the audience did (except for those who can’t understand even the layman’s terms, I pity them).

Is a Will Smith sci-fi movie worth the watch? Yes, it has always been (except for the wild wild nonsense west), but do not expect a deep heartwarming episode of catastrophic proportions, or to see the White House blown into pieces. It’s not even as close as Jay Leno’s chin and chest.
*sorry if I misspelled some of the names…..

king arthur and the knights of the altar

Title:
King Arthur (B+)
PH Release Date:
July 14, 2004
Actors:
Clive Owen, Keira Knightley, Ioan Gruffudd
Director:
Antoine Fuqua
Screenplay:
David Franswoni and John Lihancock
Editor / Music:
Conrad Buff / Hans Zimmer
Design / Photography:
Slawo Miridziak / Dan Weil
Producer:
Jerry Bruckheimer
Studio:
Touchstone and Jerry Bruckheimer Films

“Remember this writing, for it will be the last thing you’ll read on this earth.” – King Artoruis

Going into the movies, I was prepared to see a made-for-cable Hallmark special type of flick. It was a flop in the US Box Office (how can a Keira’ movie with a sex scene flop?) and could be bound to be flopping elsewhere, but in the land where the sun doesn’t nearly shine (UK) it will definitely be a sensation, because it’s all about them (bloody hell!!!).

I wasn’t completely knowledgeable of the Legend of King Arthur ( I was more of a Lam And dude), but I know quite a bit about it. One of which is that Guinevere cheated on Arthur with Lancelot (I guess someone else can shove and draw the sword, oops!), which wasn’t shown in this movie. A few glance scenes, and nothing else.

I say they were successful enough to at least make an impression that King Arthur’s legend was indeed true to some extent. One thing I really hate though was the homeless version of Merlin. Since they’re trying their best to make this a reality, they strip Merlin off from his powers and made him look like a British man who doesn’t know that shampoos exist (well, I think coconut was present during that time).

The fight scenes weren’t something to rave about, but the music was (Hans Zimmer is indeed a genius, I love the scoring in this movie). Acting wise, I’ve always respected Clive Owen as an actor cuz he is very inimitable, there’s no one quite like him in this business, he did fine in this movie but the I’m-so-hungry-that’s-why-I-eat-my-words sound he makes is just irritating, not to mention a few too theatrical delivery of lines.

Well, Keira was definitely much daring in this movie (one of the few reasons why I watched this flick---- okay the major reason), she showed her navel, and she showed some legs. The love scene though was unsatisfactory (show me more, show me more, show me more!!!). She did fine, stayed pretty even if she’s one of the anti-H20 members (calling MWSS). But aside from this two I don’t think you’d recognize any of the actors in this movie, cuz I don’t even know they exist, they’re so nameless, that you don’t wanna see them. If the reason is they have to be all-British, I doubt it, I think Jerry chose to be sparing, and that doesn’t speak well of him (how bloody cheap!!!)
If Dark Ages ain’t your thing, don’t see this movie. If you don’t like hero movies (like me, except if it’s about me), pass on this one, but if you want to see a real epic, and a legend that wasn’t purely computer generated (unlike the wooden horse with the nudist), don’t miss this one, cuz it captured Arthur in a much distinct way and directed well enough for me to give my approval for you to watch (rubbish!!!!)

mean..mean...mean girls....

Title:
Mean Girls (B+)
PH Release Date:
July 7, 2004
Actors:
Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Mcadams, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Tim Meadows
Director:
Mark Waters
Story and Screenplay:
Based on the book “Queenbees and Wannabees” by Rosalind Wiseman / Screenplay by Tina Fey
Editor / Music:
Wendy Green Bricmont / Rolee Kent
Producer:
Lorne Michaels
Studio:
Paramount

Writing these reviews is social suicide…. But watching this one was definitely not…. (where the hell did that came from?)

The girl who used to play parent trap (but her father is still trap--- in jail!) comes back to the big screen with more freckles, fats and longer bloody hair (I didn’t say she’s fat, she just gained weight), together with the girls with the big eyes and the big boobs, the brunette bitch and the dumb blonde who clearly resembles Jessica Simpson (I didn’t say that Jessica was dumb she’s just stupid). And it was one hell of a party.

Caty (Lohan), just moved in from the watery lands of Africa, she thought her 12 years of wild life would ensure her that she can survive public high school---- she did, but not until she almost never did.

She meets the “homos”, got close with the “plastics”, became a part of the “plastics”, fell in love with Regina’s ex, got screwed by Regina, avenge her lost, screwed Regina’s life, screwed everyone’s life, became part of the Mathletes, and won as Spring Fling Queen, and finally, implied happily ever after ending (that is so fetch).

The first 30 minutes of this movie was a blast. It hits you and it hits you hard. It was funny, witty and bitchy. But after that, the humor slowly waned and it got a little boring and too serious, I almost thought it was another almost-have-been-but-never-quite-became but it ended pretty well, so it salvaged itself.

Lohan is just the prettiest girl in movies today, her charisma is undeniable, and unlike her so-called rival Hilary Duff (don’t get me wrong I love Hilary), she’s definitely a million miles away when it comes to acting. She delivers and she captivates. It’s impossible not to like her (although she did put on some pounds, spot her tummy) cuz she just makes you feel good. I just love her (that is so fetch!).

If you’re expecting to see a movie full of catfight and simple but heavy laughs, you’ll definitely dig this one. And if you’re a guy looking for boobs coming from all side of the screen, you’ll love this one. And if you’re a barkada planning to see a movie where everyone can just laugh their heads off, go see this one. And if you’re looking for a real romantic movie, full of quixotic sceneries and breathtaking kisses, it’s not this one; go see the prince and me.

*kill bill vol. 2 will be posted on Saturday, I am yet to see that one….

kill bill vol. 2 --- the bloody bride is back...

Title:
Kill Bill Vol. 2 (A-)
PH Release Date:
July 7, 2004
Actors:
Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Daryl Hannah, Michael Madsen, Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox
Director:
Quentin Tarantino
Story and Screenplay:
Based on the characters by Q&U ; Written by Quentin Tarantino
Editor / Music:
Sally Merke / Robert Rodriguez and the Sza
Design / Photography:
Band Waslo / Robert Richardson
Producer:
Lawrence Burden
Studio:
Miramax

“I killed a hell lot of people to get to this point, I was almost late for class because of this movie, and I almost took a bath before I wrote this article… (hmm…smells good… taste even better!!!) and when I finish typing it, I am gonna kill---- this fucking mosquito that’s been bugging me since I sat on this chair!!!”

Finally, the long awaited sequel of the bride that kills hit theatres last Wednesday (and I saw it last Friday, and I wrote this today and you’ll probably read it after I finished typing it). Before the movie, a lot of queries wander in our minds; one of which is what will be the bride’s reaction when she finds out that her daughter is still alive? What will she do when she finally came face-to-face with Bill? And who is she anyway? Those questions will be answered as the movie slooooowwwwllllly goes along.

It was ought to be a difficult challenge for Quentin to make this movie as interesting and unique as the first one, that’s why I wasn’t expecting another Gogo (she’s just so pretty, FYI: the Jap girl from Crazy 88’s) action. One of my friends even told me that it’s a girly movie, well, I wouldn’t go as far as saying that, but it was just more drama than action disparate the first one.

Beatrix Kiddo (that’s really her name, spoiled it for yah ha?) was done with O-Ren-Ishi a.k.a. Cottonmouth (Lucy Liu) and Venita Green a.k.a. Copperhead (Vivica Fox) and it’s time to find (the alcoholic bastard who at the beginning I actually commiserate with) Budd a.k.a. Sidewater (Michael Madsen) he almost killed The Black Mamba (as if she’s not goin’ to survive it) instead, he got killed by one. Then the one-eyed biatch came [Ella Driver a.k.a. California Mountain Snake (Daryl Hannah)]; they fought and guess who won? (Kiddo!!! You’re so good!!!). I won’t tell you what happen after she saw Bill and found out that her cute (not-in-a-mahal-sorta-way) daughter was still alive. But I can tell you that somebody else will die.

During the first half of the movie, I was bored to tears, I almost fell asleep cuz it was so slow and so dragging. Thank you’re God cuz Daryl Hannah came to the rescue; she was like a breath of fresh air the moment I saw her one-eyed face. It regained my interest and I start to love it again. I am a fan of this story and I remember when the first one came out some critics said that it was “pure style, no substance”, I differed and I honestly thought that it was a well-written movie, brilliantly directed, and finely acted. I loved the first one so much that I wasn’t that disappointed, cuz it ended well. Even if most of the sequels are bigger (not necessarily better), I thought it was really brave of Tarantino to explore his characters more, than just show action-scenes after action-scenes it moved away from it’s pure-style-no-substance reputation.

If you’re waiting to see an action-packed movie, you’ll get gravely disappointed so I’m warning you right now. If you’re expecting to see an animated chapter from this movie, you’re not getting one. If you’re expecting more drama, you’ll like this one, but I warn you, it’s ought to be a boring ride in the beginning, it will test your staying power (literally), so be patient (uhm! the mosquito’s dead now!)